Meet Glenda Dobbs

Made of equal parts Yorkshire grit, Rambo and Delia Smith, Glenda has lived with the Penhaligons at the priory for more than 30 years. She’s the ultimate housekeeper, with eyes in the back of her head, a knack for shooting and no love for naughty goats. She has an ancient partner, a brusque telephone manner, and is one half of what Kite calls the mother units due to her fussy nature. We learn a lot about her in book 3 of NTSR, including secrets about her life that even she’s forgotten.

Here are 12 quotes from the coupon queen.

(On phone) It’s not lemonade, it’s just ade. If this bottle has ever sniffed a lemon, it’s forgotten about it and moved on with its life.

(About Fane) Sticking feathers to your arse doesn’t make you a chicken.

(To Violet’s twin brothers, Ben & Ezra) And don’t give me any waffle about your dirty dishes being science experiments. You want to invent something? Invent me crockery that brings itself downstairs and washes itself up.

(On phone) Petits pois? These are Brussels sprouts, love. If these are peas, they’re the peas that ate all the other peas.

(On being windswept) Jesus Christ, why didn’t you tell me I look like Alice Cooper? I’d best dry my hair before someone asks for an encore.

(To Ben & Ezra) If you’re good, I’ll bring you rifles.

(About Uriel) Probably best not to introduce him all at once.

(About Lucifer) He’s like a snowman without a halo.

(About visiting her mother) I’d sooner suck an onion.

(On Violet’s trip to the Himalayas) Tell me that when you’ve broken all your legs and you’re lying at the bottom of a mountain, a sack of broken bones and tears.

(When Violet falls out of love with pickles) What did that gherkin ever do to you?

(When she’s shot in the arm) Get on with you, it’s just a bloody flesh wound.

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